You choose…ice cream or $500

It is no secret I’m a fan of ice cream and cash which is the reason for this post.

A whole new set of rules has evolved because three of my Fb friends have turned out to be losers, at least in the category of my $500 giveaway. I’m changing things around mostly because of my wife.

As many of you have noticed, my svelte figure is one that many weight-watchers eye with envy. This is because my wife refuses to buy me ice cream when she makes her weekly grocery run. She buys yogurt for herself because she claims it has half the calories of ice cream.

I refuse to chow down on yogurt for several reasons. They are:

• I don’t like the name. Yogurt rhymes with EWWW! and YUCK. I personally am not aware of a worse sounding name than yuckgurt.
• Bacteria. Yogurt is one moving morass of little crawly bacterias with ten legs just waiting to propagate like skeeters in a Louisiana mud puddle.  ‘Cept they do it in a nice, warm mouth and stomach of some health food nut. I’m not in that category.
•  Yogurt is made by bacterial fermentation of milk. I stay away from anything fermented. I’ve lost several friends because they couldn’t refrain from fermented products. Because I am so risk averse, I do my best to shun all addicting substances, namely fermented yogurt.
•  Yogurt is produced with byproducts from cows, water buffalo, goats, mares, camels, yaks and ewes. EWWW! is the root word of ewe.
• Yogurt is produced using a culture of Lactobacillus delbrueckii subsp. bulgaricus and Streptococcus thermophilus bacteria. Sometimes, whenever one of the workers stirring up the concoction gets in the mood, they yell “Yo! Gurt.” Then Gurt throws a shovel full of lactobacilli and bifidobacteria into the pot. If for no other reason than Gurt and his shovel, I refuse to partake.

So I stick with tried and true ice cream. And any announced name in this contest who turns out to not be eligible is invited to my house for a helping of ice cream. By making this rule change, my wife is now forced to stock our freezer with ice cream.

In fact, anyone who didn’t get drawn but would like to share a bowl of ice cream, stop on by. I’ll dish you up a serving with a minimal charge of $50 per bowl. This will help defray the cost of that $500 I’ll be giving away sooner or later.

Recovering Idiot followers and sharers are adding up. Soon, I will draw the name of one them. I will be five hundred bucks shorter, they will be five hundred longer and my wife will once again stop buying ice cream.

Until that time, when any losers are drawn, they are invited to stop by my house for a consolation prize of a big bowl of ice cream. I too will indulge just so you don’t feel like a stranger.

This will accomplish two things:

• Losers will feel like winners
• My wife will have to start buying ice cream again so we can feed the losers (including little ole me)