Recovering Idiot "Buy The Book"

Everyone who's bent needs a place to vent. This is my place.

Near Fatal With My Hood


After surviving yesterday’s incident, I woke up feeling pretty darn good this morning. I knew my wife was now without a rig since I totaled hers. I also knew I had a matter of hours, no…better make that minutes to get some more wheels under her rump or the Casper household would turn into Stalag 13.

So I took the high road and announced at daybreak that I had located a van in Yakima so we were heading west as soon as she was ready. She got ready in less than 30 seconds. As I turned the ignition on, I got a text from another salesman who had caught wind on the internet of my quest.

I changed the flight plan and headed south, thinking we would go to Yakima after hitting the Kennewick dealer.

We arrived and like always, I had a van bought for my bride in less than 5 minutes. I think I drove a pretty hard bargain. It was a brand-spanking new 2012 Honda mini-van, just in case we have some more kids. I didn’t have to put any money down and got unbelievably low payments of $179 a month on a 24-month installment plan.

I had planned on buying a used one but this little beauty was too good to pass up.

It must have been that salesman’s first day on the job. Michele looked a little concerned but I reassured her that if I had gone to college longer than when I dropped out, I would have majored in finance.

She whispered that she thought we should talk about it. I got a little offended. I’m buying the girl a brand-spanking new van with no money down! I quickly signed on the dotted line and ushered her out the door. I went back and got the keys, threw them to her and told her to check that the hood was latched.

After I got in my rig, I called her and told her to meet at Red Robin for a Celebratory lunch. I wanted to celebrate my excellent bargaining skills for as long as possible and since a Whiskey Burger was going to be about the wildest substance I dared imbibe around my wife, Red Robin was the ticket.


Doesn’t she look happy? I should have wrecked the other one years ago.


Here I’m directing Michele into the parking slot. Notice the plate where we picked it up at.


After Michele parked, I looked across the lane and noticed another rig that someone had just purchased from the same dealer. The only difference was this unit was a little more crinkled up and had a bungee cord holding the trunk closed. This gave me a little pause until I thought of the sweet deal I had gotten that would be paid off in 24 months.

I informed Michele, now that we away from the car dealer and could openly talk, that our rig was in better shape than that rig. I hadn’t seen one bungee cord on our new rig although I hadn’t looked that close.

I also mentioned how we were going to have our rig paid off in 2 years while the guy with the bungee attachment was probably on the hook for 4 or 5 years.

She said “What do you mean, 24 months? You signed a contract for 24 years! You’re going to be paying for that long after you’re dead and buried.”

I started feeling nauseous,  just like at the dentist last Friday. I turned and bolted for my car and the paperwork, just like I did for the sink last Friday. Sure enough, I was on the hook for 24 years, not 24 months. Unlike last Friday, I was able to keep my cookies in the cookie jar.

I guess my only option is to make sure I get the insurance premium paid, unlatch the hood and send Michele to town for groceries. This hard-bargaining new car deal won’t turn out like I originally thought it would but I just paid her life insurance bill last week so maybe things will still work out.


Take one look while it’s still running.

(Usually, I’m 100% factual with my accounts. Admittedly, on this one, there’s a 2%-3% chance of error. (Pretty much just like the pollsters who mapped out Trump’s ’16 election results before the fact)

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