I’m going to bypass tradition and start at the last of today and work backwards toward this morning.

Stopping at Winco in Richland this evening, I got a wild hair to see if this outfit would sell my book. I moseyed on over to the customer service/alcohol dispensary and asked for the manager. The lady called for Chris to hasten thither. I stood and waited. A guy came out of a side door and headed my way. I figured maybe it was Chris. I took a step sideways to try to get a better visual angle at his name tag. Suddenly I heard a very loud tinkling kind of crash in very close proximity to my location.

My sidestep had taken my body mass toward a multi-layered shelf full of liquor and other adult beverages. My heart sank as I realized I might be paying for a sizable quantity of booze without the benefit of inebriation.

Every bottle and can on all three rows was overturned, hanging over the sides and just generally looking drunk. I began grabbing those items that looked like they were ready to hit the floor. A Winco employee ran over and we started standing all the containers back up.

I muttered to the guy that I was sorry and ended by telling him that as always, me and alcohol just didn’t get along. Not a drop was spilled.

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Chris showed up shortly after. He couldn’t help me but referred me to Never Never Land, just like all the other chain stores have done. It’s also known as the home office.

Just before Winco, I continued my book crusade by stopping in at a Bible bookstore in the Uptown shopping center. Just before that, I stopped in at another Bible bookstore in Kennewick. Both establishments were nice to me but I felt like a fish out of water since they were Christian bookstores. This may be a surprise to some of you but I’m also a Christian, specifically a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

I’m aware of a few of the rather stark differences between the two camps, especially from their point of view. For this reason, as I shared a brief synopsis of the book contents, I did a full disclosure and notified them the flavor and brand of the church I attend. I didn’t want them misled.

Neither threw me out. Both suggested I leave a book and their manager would let me know. As I walked out, I wondered how long it would take them to throw it in the dumpster.

Prior to the religious stops, I stopped at the Bookworm. The owner told me to leave a box of books and she’d see how they moved. She didn’t throw me out either. Before I got out of the store, a lady bought one of the books I’d just dropped off. I saw the owner’s right eyebrow go up about an inch and a half.

Pre-Bookworm, I stopped in at Ranch and Home. I left a box of books there in December but they got shoveled into an area that looked like a salesman’s outer darkness. It just didn’t seem like a good merchandising spot to me. I figured the entire stock I had left would be waiting for me to carry them back out when I returned.

I walked to the aisle they were in before. Everything was changed. I walked around. I asked employees. No one knew a thing. Finally I found Elvira, the sweet lady I had left them with.

“Where’s the books?” I asked. “They’re all gone.” She answered. I argued with her and then told her to quit playing with me. She repeated again that they were gone.

I was shocked. She said they sold out  a month ago but didn’t know how to get in touch with me. It was cool. I danced a little jig with her and then carried two more cases of books in and restocked their shelves. This time, the books went in a much better location. All in all, it was a pleasant surprise.

Earlier, I dropped two more boxes off at Country Mercantile. This book deal isn’t dead yet.

And now, for the highlight of the day. I hit the dermatology clinic for a look at my ear. The doc said “Yeah, we gotta get that thing off.” I asked him what it was. I was hoping for something like a benign cyst or a mad freckle. He said “It looks to me like basal cell cancer.”

Now this is the first time anyone has ever accused me of having cancer. I didn’t know how to react. He didn’t act like it was a big deal which sort of set my mind at ease. That is until I thought of my dear brother-in-law Todd who is in the fight of his life with cancer right now. That got me a little stirred up.

He said “We’ll send it to the lab. If we send you a letter in three or four weeks, you don’t have cancer. If we call you before that, then we’ve got a problem.”

I was a little bothered but then decided that I would take steps to alleviate the entire situation.

I just won’t answer my phone if they call me. I am so grateful for smart phones so I don’t have to guess who the caller is.

I just hope I didn’t get things too stirred up with the Basal crew when I liquid nitrogened, bread tie strangled, dental flossed and toothpick winched up the mound of them and then lastly, stuck the dry ice on their home base for a good fifteen minutes. Them Basal’s are tough.

I’ll be praying for a letter instead of a phone call.

Stay tuned.

I’ve made a post or two that hasn’t notified my Facebook friends. You might look back at past posts just in case you missed something. I flipped a couple of switches and hopefully fixed the problem. Now for a long overdue post…

Two things are certain. This is my first post in a month, too, Or three.

Secondly,  this is going to make a few of you sick and the rest of you queasy.

A year or two ago I started noticing a bump appearing on my ear. It kept getting bigger and bigger. Several people called it a goiter. Goiters emanate from thyroids. Since my thyroid isn’t in my earlobe, it ain’t a goiter. I guess it must be an earitator.

Finally, after getting sick of being called a goiter carrier, I decided I better get it checked. In another couple years, it is on track to be as big as my head. Besides that, it could be cancerous.

Being an inventor, always taking things into my own hands and mostly because I hate paying outrageous fortunes to the medical profession for goiter removal, I decided to take it on. Myself.

I bought three gallons of liquid nitrogen and gave it the cold treatment. Didn’t do a thing.

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The above scaley photo is what the earitator looked like after I froze it down to 340 degrees below zero. It was tough. No contraction. No reduction. No satisfaction. My apologies for the excess skin and baby whiskers.

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A few days later after no visible change from the liquid nitrogen, I decided to break out the big guns and found a loaf of bread wire twister upper. After tearing the middle part off, I wrapped the wire around the goiter wannabe. All it did was make it mad. It got red and really started thumping me with pain.

Not only was the goiter look alike mad, but the pain made my entire ear and face get red.

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It got to hurting so bad I released the wire tourniquet after a sleepless night and took a softer approach. My ear and face returned to their natural color but the goiter was still ticked. Floss and half a toothpick later, I had the goiter lassoed and choked down with a friendlier noose made of plastic. It still hurt and was redder than ever.

A day and a half later, after looking sideways at everybody I met so they wouldn’t see my just-invented medical device and steal my idea, I took it off. The pain was intense and I was almost at the end of my flossy rope.

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Goiter was mad. What more could I do? I had hoped he would fall off but my pain threshold was maxed out. Now I had a dark red bulb on my ear. I now know exactly how Rudolph felt.

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The next day was church. I did not want to mingle among the masses and be called Rudolph and Goiter in the same sentence. So I had Michele apply some of her makeup.

Now I looked like all the women in church. Nobody called me Rudy or Goit. Everybody called me Ben so I know it worked. It was surprising they didn’t call me Benita.

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I had one card left. Dry ice. Dry ice isn’t as cold as liquid nitrogen but it’s still chilly–100 degrees below zip. I bought two pounds of nuggets and stuck those suckers on this tough bump. For a good fifteen solid minutes. About halfway through, I called up some Google images about dry ice injuries.

People who have put their skin in contact with dry ice for more than a few seconds end up with severe blisters and injuries. This new info kinda scared me. I started having visions of a old guy looking a lot like me sporting a large gauge hole in his ear, just like the young folk do for decoration.

But Goiter was tough. I froze him many times over. He turned a little white and spit out some blood but was still there, bumpier and redder than ever. After 2 lbs of dry ice, I gave up and called the doctor.

I’m going in tomorrow and do it their way. I hope they don’t ask why the bump is so mad.

I’m going to try to get all the bang I can get for my buck. I’m going to see if they will sign me up for disability payments since my right earlobe has been rendered pretty much useless. If they won’t do that, maybe they’ll give me a handicapped sticker for my car.

If they don’t do that, I’m going to leave, pretty ear-i-tated.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Finally, after months of silence, a post and then another.
Sorry. Ben Been Busy. Here you go…
If you’ve read my book, you know that at one point in my life I was broke, homeless, without a phone and Sleepless in Seattle. It was not a good time. Luckily, I was able to avoid freezing to death, broke the downward cycle and returned to my home. It made me much more emphatic for those who are down on their luck and without a casa.
So this morning, having been released several months ago from being the Ward Mission Leader in my local ward, I decided I would write up a short account of what happened over the past year. I didn’t do this on my own. I keep getting emails from the powers that be requesting this info.
First off, I needed the names of the young missionaries who have served in our ward. The young Elders live with us and yet I can barely keep up with their names, let alone remember the guys who were here six months ago. And after just yesterday having forgotten where I had left my primo pickup for the last 2 weeks, I knew there was no way I could remember all the names.
I decided I would go right to the source and contact the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints Mission office. I looked for their phone number and noticed that there were some Google Reviews attached to the Kennewick Mission website.
I decided to check out the reviews. I saw they were all 5 stars except for a 1 star review. I wondered about the one star so I clicked on the disgruntled reviewer. Here’s what I found…
Washington Kennewick Mission
8202 W Quinault Ave, Kennewick, WA 99336 
Not an overnight mission
 
I chuckled, realizing that the guy had probably found the “mission” in the phone book, walked or drove at least a few miles and then couldn’t find a bed in the place and for sure no coffee on the stove. From his point of view, they deserved just one star.
I feel for the guy as I can tell he struggles. In fact, I helped out a homeless guy for several months one winter by providing room and board for him. He was happy for a roof over his head and I was happy I owned a roof.
And even though the LDS “mission” couldn’t help him, they do have avenues of assisting folks like him.  The LDS Church gives tens of millions each year in helping people and communities down on their luck.
It’s just that their idea of a mission and this homeless guy’s idea of a mission are not in the same ballpark.
I then decided to check out his other reviews and comments. They show a tale of sadness and humor, telling his story from his point of view via the stars and comments.
Chiawana Park
2020 Rd 88, Pasco, WA 99301 
Restrooms are locked
 
Smoke City For Less
1057A George Washington Way, Richland, WA 99352 
Response from the owner a year ago
I think you are talking about the koko nuggz which are chocolate jars (a gag gift item that looks like weed). We do not sell weed at any of our locations. The chocolate on the other hand is very tasty 🙂
McCurley Integrity Chevrolet Parts
1325 N Autoplex Way, Pasco, WA 99301 
Paid for a part I didn’t want and didn’t get my refund
 
Metro by T-Mobile
3600 W Clearwater Ave Ste D, Kennewick, WA 99336 
Unlimited data for $50 a month
 
Zintel Canyon
Kennewick, WA 99336 
Can’t sleep there
 
Rodeway Inn
1520 N Oregon Ave, Pasco, WA 99301 
Applied for a job. Didn’t get hired and got moved to a room with a broken bed
 
Washington Kennewick Mission
8202 W Quinault Ave, Kennewick, WA 99336 
Not an overnight mission
 
Safeway
2825 W Kennewick Ave, Kennewick, WA 99336 
High prices and a security guard that makes you leave at night
 
Albertsons
5204 W Clearwater Ave, Kennewick, WA 99336 
Poor selection
 
REACH Museum
1943 Columbia Park Trail, Richland, WA 99352 
Heated restroom. No soap on the dispenser
 
Chipotle Mexican Grill
1102 N Columbia Center Blvd, Kennewick, WA 99336 
Good food. High prices
 
McDonald’s
1409 N Kellogg St, Kennewick, WA 99336 
Can’t even get a burger for $1
 
Tri-City Union Gospel Mission
112 N 2nd Ave, Pasco, WA 99301 
Spat out the undercooked chicken and walked out so I didn’t have to kill a man
 
Gold’s Gym
151 N Ely St, Kennewick, WA 99336 
The water stinks just like all the water in the city and I couldn’t even get a hot shower
 
A-Z Auto Repair LLC
1401 W Kennewick Ave, Kennewick, WA 99336 
Paid $800 to fix my coolant system when I only paid $450 for the car. Now I’m burning oil
 
Yoke’s Fresh Market – Kennewick
1410 W 27th Ave, Kennewick, WA 99337 
Smelled like a toilet
 
Columbia Point Marina Park
Riverfront Trail, Richland, WA 99352 
The restrooms are locked
 
Perfect Circle Construction
6320 W Clearwater Ave, Kennewick, WA 99336 
Minimum wage
 
McCurley Integrity Mazda
1230 North Autoplex Way, Pasco, WA 99301 
I paid for a part I didn’t want and never got a refund after returning it
 
Keewaydin Park
204 W Keewaydin Dr, Kennewick, WA 99336 
The restrooms we’re locked just like every other restroom in the city parks
 
Unemployment Tax Services
4310 W 24th Ave, Kennewick, WA 99338 
You can’t apply for unemployment in the office and the website kicks you out too soon. When you call you can’t get through to talk to anybody
 
Vintner Square
Richland, WA 99352 
Wildhorse Resort & Casino
46510 Wildhorse Blvd, Pendleton, OR 97801 
It’s nice when you can win. Other than that I wasn’t impressed
 
Green2Go Recreational 21+
214307 E SR 397, Kennewick, WA 99337 
Got weed that tasted like piss and they wouldn’t take it back
 
Santiago Estates Cherry Hill
2917 W 19th Ave, Kennewick, WA 99337 
Fiesta Foods
115 S 10th Ave, Pasco, WA 99301 
A-1 Automotive & Repair
620 E 3rd Ave, Kennewick, WA 99336 
$800 to fix my coolant system when I paid $450 for the car. They better live up to their lifetime warranty
 
Yachats State Recreation Area
Yachats State Park, Yachats, OR 97498 
Atomic Foods
1212 N 4th Ave, Pasco, WA 99301 
Smells like meth
 
Finders Insurance
3400 W Clearwater Ave, Kennewick, WA 99336 
Safeway
1616 W Northwest Blvd, Spokane, WA 99205 
Motel 6 Tumwater – Olympia
400 Lee St SW, Tumwater, WA 98501 
McDonald’s
2721 W Kennewick Ave, Kennewick, WA 99336 
The food was good and the children survived so it was a good day
 

 

First Facebook Post from yesterday…

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Reward – $1,000 for the arrest of the thief (or actual scalp of the same) and return of my pickup.

Went to Utah for Christmas. Came home to find my long bed 4 door 4wd 2013 Toyota Tundra missing from our driveway. The four-door long bed Tundra combo makes it a little unusual.

Vin 5TFCY5F15DX014542 License C15911F

There was an electrical tester and 5 cases of Recovering Idiot books in the back seat.

This offer is not valid if it turns out I parked it somewhere and forgot about it.

Second Facebook Post…

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2 Sundays ago I drove my beloved pickup to church filled with an electrical tester and Recovering Idiot books. After church, my wife insisted I drive her around to a couple of minister’s homes where we dropped off some edible treats. We took the van. We then drove home and proceeded to Utah to visit family.

Got back just the other day but didn’t notice the valuable books were missing along with their transporter.

Today I had some electrical problems at work but couldn’t find my tester. I started thinking I needed to check in my truck and my happiness level was instantly downgraded to junk bond status when I observed an empty driveway (Even though I’ve been home for 5 days)

A call to my insurance company produced nothing. A call to the cops produced nothing. A post to Facebook produced a few sympathetic comments but mostly sneers and derision. It also produced a post from a friend with a hopeful tip.

The truck was right where I left it 2 weeks ago. My wife took me down and dropped me off. I got in the truck but there were no keys. My dear and sweet but oblivious wife was driving off. My screams and gestures were of no use. I walked home, hoping no one would steal my truck before I returned.

I offered $1,000 reward but am so glad I put a disclaimer on it concerning my advanced ability to forget. Thanks to everyone for getting the word out even though I ended up not needing it!

There were 22 shares, 46 comments and 167 likes. This shows that people do care about me, my pickup and full-blown dementia. The next time somebody steals my pickup, it’s immediately going on Facebook. Who needs cops?

So I haven’t been able to blog but I’ll try to get it started back up again. It’s been 3 months since a post. I’m sure you’ve all enjoyed the vacation. Finally sold out of my first edition so I went big and got in a semi-load of books. Being self-published is a tough job. The only thing that’s made it a little easier is the response I’ve gotten.

Saturday I’m doing a book signing in Kennewick at the new location for Fountain Books.

https://www.facebook.com/FountainBook/photos/gm.1486486238163079/10156535340398859/?type=3

I was able to drum up a few endorsements that are included in the new edition.

Endorsements:

Michelle Ainge (Mother of six and wife of NBA star Danny Ainge)
“Danny doesn’t endorse books but I’ll endorse this one. Ben’s book was a fun read! His antics made me laugh out loud and exhausted me. I like hearing people’s stories and his is a crazy one.”

Greg Gibson (First U of WA athlete and among the earliest Americans to run a sub 4-minute mile)
“Reading is hard work for me but I couldn’t put this book down! Talk about a perpetual accident waiting to happen! That is Ben in a nutshell. Keep a towel close by. You will cry from laughing so hard.”

Brandon “Bullet” Mackay (F-15 pilot, USAF Lt. Col.)
“This book is unbelievably true! Casper has cheated death more than any other pilot I’ve known. I had to limit myself to two
chapters per night.”

Steve Phipps (Holder of 19 Arm Wrestling World Championships, 9 Right and 10 Left, including a rare “Double-Double”,winning World Titles in Wrist wrestling and Arm wrestling with both arms the same year)

“Casper brings his stories to life and you are sure to get many smiles, chuckles and ‘What was he thinking?’ during your journey along with Ben. I highly recommend Recovering Idiot. Enjoy the adventure!”

Tom Clyde (National Intercollegiate Rodeo Steer Wrestling Champion-1974)
“I loved Recovering Idiot and highly recommend it. Filled with wit and humor that brings you to tears, it is very entertaining and one of those reads you cannot put down.

To me however, the most impressive and inspiring message of the book is the impact of the real life drama of a man who has experienced incredible pain, failures and many defeating setbacks in life. In spite of such opposition, his determined will to pick himself up time and again and press forward is a powerful testament of his resilient attitude and approach to life.

Ben is one who refuses to give up and accept defeat. His unconquerable spirit to persevere is a great inspiration to me. If the reader fails to pick up on that reoccurring theme in this book then its most powerful and motivating message will be missed.”

Stephen Beus (Internationally acclaimed concert pianist)
“Equal parts entertaining and horrifying. After reading this book, I wasn’t sure whether I should laugh or cry –or run to Home Depot and buy some sturdy tie downs for the author’s pickup. A great read!”

David Ottley (Nuclear Physicist)
This book is scientific, albeit anecdotal, proof that Darwin’s theory of natural selection is incorrect. If Darwinism were true, Ben would have been eliminated from the gene pool long ago.

It could also be classified as a religious book, as the fact that Ben is still alive is proof of modern miracles – God must have a purpose for this man. I wholeheartedly recommend this well-written book for your reading enjoyment.”

William York (SE PE, Missile Guidance Engineer)
“I thoroughly enjoyed reading Recovering Idiot! It’s fun to read, well-written and shows what crazy adventures lie ahead if we believe in ourselves and don’t overthink the problems.”

Heidi Young (German Baptist mother of six)
“Coming from a conservative background without many of the modern entertainment inventions in our home, our boys have spent hours reading and rereading Recovering Idiot. Any spare time they get from farm work and daily chores, they will come into the living room and pick up the well-read book and get a quick dose of humor.

We got it a little over a year ago. It is just about worn out. We just got a new book so the kids can keep reading.”

Ben Archibald (Former NFL and CFL player. Now owns bookstores in CA, NV and WA)
“After 11 years playing professional football, I’ve known some real characters! Ben is one of the craziest and this book will open your eyes to a whole new way of life. Recovering Idiot weaves the most idiotic decisions in life into a wonderful read that will lighten your heart and bring new appreciation to having common sense!”

From friends of Ben…
Kyle Huwe: “I laughed so hard, tears were running down my leg!”
Sonja Hansen: “We’ve been waiting 60 years for this.”
Scot Haws: “I see no signs of recovery.”
Brianne Huwe: “A great experience…I laughed to the point of tears!”
Kola Robinson: “Funniest book I’ve ever read.”

I’m sure you all remember Calvin from precious posts. Here’s a text I got from my sister-out-law a while back:

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